I’ve been going back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to post something like this on my blog and after long nights of thinking about it, I figured, why not? What do I have to lose? I can be judged–sure. But I face judgement every day in real life, so what does it matter if I face it online too? And if you’re one of those people who don’t want to hear me talk about my personal problems, then you are free to unsubscribe or not open this post. That choice is yours, and I’ve made mine.
Over the last few months I’ve been drudging my way through my first semester at Princeton University. It has not been fun–it has been overwhelming, sad, lonely, and stressful. I’ve cried myself to sleep many times this semester. I’ve spent countless hours alone in my room while everyone else was out hanging with friends. I’ve eaten practically all of my meals alone. I’ve gone days without talking to anyone but my family.
I’ve been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I’m what you could call “shy” or an “introvert” but it’s much more than that. I fear being judged. If I hear people laughing, I automatically assume that they are laughing at me, even if I know that its irrational. And this fear, the fear of talking to people because they might judge me in a negative way, has amplified the negativity that I’ve been facing at Princeton.
And so I’ve decided to talk about it. I’ll be posting posts like this sporadically. Just to talk–about my awkward encounter/heart-to-heart with my drunk next door neighbor, about how my parents used to brush off my concerns about being depressed or socially anxious, to complain about how the grading system at my university creates such a toxic environment that its hard to be proud of any accomplishments that you’ve made because people will hate you for it. It’s a way to finally get out all of the things that I’ve been holding in for years, things I haven’t been able to tell anyone because I’m in a constant state of having no friends to talk to. And maybe, just maybe, if a single reader or fellow blogger doesn’t think that I’m crazy or that I’m weird, maybe I can finally make a friend. Because I want one–really, really badly. I’m so tired of being alone and I am willing to put in the work to be better. Or even inspire someone else who might be depressed or socially anxious to reach out to others or let it out, because keeping it in is the worst thing that you can do.
So yeah–thanks to anyone who actually read this post. I hope that you can maybe enjoy reading about my interesting life as a socially anxious college student.